Sunday, February 20, 2011

The car humper

Why is your child dry humping my car?

No really, why is your THREE YEAR OLD CHILD DRY HUMPING MY CAR????

Somehow the radio still worked. Before the show starts our techs go in and remove a bunch of fuses, some for safety and some for the annoyance factor. I really don't care to be repeatedly sprayed with wiper fluid, for example, so that's removed. Usually the stereo fuse is removed too, but sometimes for various reasons it isn't.

At this show, in this car, it wasn't. And when the stereo fuse is still in and active, the radio gets blared and it is never, ever music that you would want blared at a family event like an auto show. Usually the n-word is involved, or f-bombs, or graphic descriptions of things that would make Charlie Sheen blush and would make my boss go totally apoplectic, and rightly so.

So the parents climb into the car and the two kids and a couple of other adults they were with are hanging outside, and Daddy Dearest cranks up the stereo - I believe it was 50 Cent and Jeremih, Down On Me. All hell broke loose.

Shouts of joy erupt from the car. Highly energetic dancing begins. The children are not excluded from this. Usually I love watching little kids dance, because it's adorable and they're so happy doing it.

But this was just disturbing.

This baby, no more than three and possibly younger, threw her leg up on the bumper and started dry humping it, very slowly and deliberately. That was her dance move. And she was looking around as she was doing it to make sure Mommy and Daddy saw what a good dancer she was.

This was not a cute little "Oh look at baby shake her booty!" nor was it like those kids doing the Singles Ladies dance. This child was going to town on the car video vixen style, with a very deliberate grinding motion. (Great hips on that kid, by the way - they should get her into dance class.)

And instead of being embarrassed or stopping her and explaining how/why the behavior was inappropriate (and I don't care what you say, such obvious sexual acting out is inappropriate for a child that age, even if she doesn't know what she's doing) her parents cheered her on. And she kept humping the bumper.

Children don't just come up with this behavior off the tops of their heads, of course. She has seen Mommy do it, or she has seen it on TV and emulated it and got an encouraging response from her parents, like the one she got at the show, and kept doing it.

Chris Rock says the most important thing a man can do for his daughter is keep her off the pole. Judging from the way this poor child is already behaving, so highly sexually-charged, I think she may already have a pole installed in her nursery.


  1. It seems as though these exhibitions have grown in there frequency, and their outlandish nature. Some folks are surprised to hear any number of things that go on at auto shows or that the vehicles are subjected to... how many dirty diapers have you found in cars? You are right to the point, the adults in these scenarios establishing the standards of poor behavior for their children. It makes you really wonder where our society is headed.

  2. about as bad as the kid "licking chocolate off his fingers" on our turntable this week. Imagine v-shaped fingers, tongue gyrating back and forth between fingers very explicitely. So much so, that my co-worker and I stopped, dumbfounded in our tracks while mom and dad video taped said child. They laughed b/c he was really licking chocolate off his fingers and it was funny, but his illicit (porno-worthy, taken right off your average construction site) act was not stopped. After co-worker and I made a joke about said child watching too many music videos, said parents denied this, only to then catch child bouncing his booty all over the stage in a manner that would have impressed any "pole dancer"

  3. Why would CR say that- and you agree?
    If your daughter grows up to be a racer, on the pole is exactly where you want her to be!

  4. This one of the funniest and positively erudite blogs I've come across in a long time. Are you a writer on the side? Is there a 'Do You Come with the Car' book coming out at some point? You've got a genuinely involving writing style and some really great insight. Seriously, you're like the Banksy of the auto show turntable. You should turn this into a movie...

  5. Is leaving the battery connected and just select fuses being pulled a new auto show protocol? It's been a couple of years since I have been to a show but back in the day the battery was disconnected foiling such antics.

  6. Anon, the 12 volt is disconnected but many of the cars have a pack plugged in underneath so you can run accessory mode.


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