Sunday, March 13, 2011

It's only okay if you're famous

The big auto story of last week was about how my nemesis Chrysler had a giant PR nightmare on their hands when an account executive from NMS mixed up his Twitter accounts and posted something (quite funny but corporately inappropriate) on the Chrysler feed that was clearly meant for his own.

In case you have a life and are not glued to the internet the Tweet was:

"I find it ironic that Detroit is known as the #motorcity and yet no one here knows how to f*cking drive."

There's a point to be made that nobody anywhere knows how to drive, but that apparently is neither here nor there. Chrysler lost their sh!t over this. NMS fired the offending Tweeter in a misguided and ultimately useless attempt to save the account - Chrysler dumped them anyway.

In defending their action, which effectively put probably about 40 people out of work, Chrysler said, "That commercial featuring the Chrysler 200, Eminem and the City of Detroit wasn't just an act of salesmanship. This company is committed to promoting Detroit and its hard-working people... we can’t afford to backslide now and jeopardize this progress."

And yet…

Eminem, the main figure in this supposedly pro-Detroit ad campaign, is the same guy who made a career out of songs about slicing his wife's throat, stuffing her in the trunk of his car and dumping her body in a lake while their kid watches.

And it turns out he's not such a big fan of the Dirty D, either.

Here are Eminem's own words about the "beloved" city of Detroit:

"That's why the city is filled with a bunch of f*cking idiots still
That's why the first motherf*cker poppin some sh!t he gets killed
That's why we don't call it Detroit, we call it Amityville
You can get capped after just having a cavity filled
Ahahahaha, that's why we're crowned the murder capital still
This ain't Detroit, this is motherf*cking Hamburger Hill!
We don't do drivebys, we park in front of houses and shoot
and when the police come we f*cking shoot it out with them too!
That's the mentality here that's the reality here
Did I just hear somebody say they wanna challenge me here??
While I'm holding a pistol with this many calibres here??
Got some registration and just made this sh!t valid this year?
Cause once i snap i cant be held accountable for my actions
and that's when accidents happen,
when a thousand bullets come at your house
and collapse the foundation around and they found you
and your family in it"

But, ya know. That thing about the traffic. Way worse.

Saturday, March 5, 2011

Born this way

God makes no mistakes, says Lady Gaga.

God might not make mistakes, but this guy did coming to the auto show with his face a mess.

Chicago. Night shift. Almost to closing. I see him coming from the side, from a distance. The peripheral view was "male middle aged suburban sedan driver." I was busy doing something and didn't give him a full look until he was right up on me.

The full view was actually "male middle aged suburban sedan driver who wears BRIGHT BLUE EYESHADOW AND RED LIPSTICK."

Everything except his face was totally regular and non-descript. Pleated khakis, blah green polo shirt. You know. Dude clothes. "Dude who works in a cubicle and wants to cut his wrists because his life is so boring" clothes, but definitely not "Dude who wants to look and feel like a pretty pretty princess" clothes.

What is with these half-assed trannies? Seriously guys, you should be ashamed of yourselves. If you want to dress up like a woman I won't judge you, but f-ing do it right. Here's a hint: Women don't have male patterned baldness. Pretty pretty princesses wouldn't be caught dead in pleated khakis. Try a wig. Some bronzer. A dress, for the love of Ru Paul.

There is no need to be walking around the auto show in your man clothes with your man walk with Tammy Fay Baker face scurrin' all the models. Srsly, it puts the lotion in the basket.

If you're gonna go, go balls out. Or balls tucked, as it were.