Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Where are my panties?

The auto show lost and found is a fascinating slice of anthropologic wonder. The things people leave behind can tell you a lot about what they truly value -- or, alternately, how much you've managed to blow their minds with your vehicle, to the point where they forget all kinds of stuff.

We find at least one phone a day. We used to find a lot of cameras, but those have started to dwindle as cell phone cameras have become more common. Weed. Lots of hats and sweaters. I hate touching those, especially the hats. You never know who has lice. Or scabies. Union flyers. Anti-union flyers. Anti-anti-union flyers. Used tissues. By the way, stop leaving your used tissues in the cars you plague-ridden lepers.

But none of those things are what was found in a car at a show today.

I don't want to be overly dramatic. It's not like someone found the head of a dead hooker or something. But still, I think we should make a pact.

If you are going to take off your panties at the auto show, please keep them in your purse until you get home.

It is unfortunately necessary to specify this, because someone thought it was appropriate to leave a pair of panties in the door pocket today. Nice ones, too - a black satin thong.

So it begs the question, why did someone leave a pair of black thong panties in a car at the auto show?

I've come up with a few theories:
1. One of the Chrysler girls realized too late that those little dresses reveal major VPL and ditched them in another display on her way to her own
2. The September heat of Texas simply became too much to bear
3. Some d-bag forgot he had his mistress's panties in his pocket and ditched them in the car before his wife could find them
4. There is some sort of panty geocaching event going on of which we were not made aware
5. Mike Rowe sat in the seat beside me and they just fell off, I swear I didn't do it on purpose

Thankfully I am not the one who found these panties -- if I had I'd still be too busy Lysol-ing the entire car to write this. (Or too busy with Mike Rowe. Take your pick.)


  1. Let me know if you do find that head - I lost a couple of dead hooker parts.

  2. Are you at the state fair of Texas?

  3. Redwood, the person who relayed this story to me is at the Texas State Fair.

  4. Maybe she ate too much deep fried everything and they got a little too tight...

  5. Although I have an idea, can you let me know what VPL stands for? I like to appear to be "hip" around the kiddies and their TXT languange and such. BTW (See? I know some of this stuff!) that photo is a little creepy. The "model" has no taper at the waist - kind looks like a boy or a young child. I need to go wash my eyes out.

  6. VPL - Visible Panty Lines. The panties in the photo look like low-riders to me, meaning they sit low on her hips. Her natural waist would be much higher, probably starting right about where the top of the photo cuts off, which is why it looks weird : ) Your safe-for-work option are limited when doing a Google image search for white panties!

  7. One time a GF and I were sitting at the bar at East Coast Grill in Cambridge, waiting for a table. She looks down at the floor next to the bar, and said "Hey, isn't that someone's underwear?". I said, "No, that's just a napkin that fell on the floor". She said, "No, over there". She slipped her stocking-covered foot out of her shoe and grabbed the thing with her toes. (You know how women can do that with that with that "prehensile foot" they all seem to have). Sure enough, it was a pair of violet Victoria's Secret panties. She handed them over to the bartender saying "I think someone lost their underwear". He blanched and grabbed them with a napkin. She asked me later, "Do you think there was any way that was, you know, *not* inadvertent?".

  8. I love how you think that it was one of the Chrysler models... considering they all were in pants. Get your facts straight before stating your theories that make you look like an idiot. I'm starting to wonder if you worked for Chrysler before and lost your job to one of the new narrators. Must be a shame to still have some pent up resentment against your former company.

  9. Someone should probably look up the definition of satire. And no, I have never worked for Chrysler - nor would I ever work for a company that steals taxpayer money and sells complete pieces of crap. Move along, troll.


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