Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Mike Rowe is such a tease

The closest we will ever get to reenacting the hot candle wax scene from Body of Evidence with my boyfriend Mike Rowe.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Where are my panties?

The auto show lost and found is a fascinating slice of anthropologic wonder. The things people leave behind can tell you a lot about what they truly value -- or, alternately, how much you've managed to blow their minds with your vehicle, to the point where they forget all kinds of stuff.

We find at least one phone a day. We used to find a lot of cameras, but those have started to dwindle as cell phone cameras have become more common. Weed. Lots of hats and sweaters. I hate touching those, especially the hats. You never know who has lice. Or scabies. Union flyers. Anti-union flyers. Anti-anti-union flyers. Used tissues. By the way, stop leaving your used tissues in the cars you plague-ridden lepers.

But none of those things are what was found in a car at a show today.

I don't want to be overly dramatic. It's not like someone found the head of a dead hooker or something. But still, I think we should make a pact.

If you are going to take off your panties at the auto show, please keep them in your purse until you get home.

It is unfortunately necessary to specify this, because someone thought it was appropriate to leave a pair of panties in the door pocket today. Nice ones, too - a black satin thong.

So it begs the question, why did someone leave a pair of black thong panties in a car at the auto show?

I've come up with a few theories:
1. One of the Chrysler girls realized too late that those little dresses reveal major VPL and ditched them in another display on her way to her own
2. The September heat of Texas simply became too much to bear
3. Some d-bag forgot he had his mistress's panties in his pocket and ditched them in the car before his wife could find them
4. There is some sort of panty geocaching event going on of which we were not made aware
5. Mike Rowe sat in the seat beside me and they just fell off, I swear I didn't do it on purpose

Thankfully I am not the one who found these panties -- if I had I'd still be too busy Lysol-ing the entire car to write this. (Or too busy with Mike Rowe. Take your pick.)

Thursday, October 7, 2010

The only kid I want to see at the auto show

I am not the only person who has a problem with Unnecessary Trucks. I am also not the youngest, grouchiest, most knowledgeable or most vocal. No, that title must go to the 10-year-old son of a former Booth Bro.

Brendan, who worked as a product specialist for Toyota, Chrysler and Ford, reports the following:

"The other day, my 10-year-old son, who could say 'Duesenberg' and 'Bugatti Veyron' at age 2, was riding with me when some tool cut me off in a big pick-up. From the backseat, the voice of youthful wisdom yelled out, 'Hey, Mr. Unnecessary Truck, pay attention.'

Apparently, he reads your columns, too, or listens to me when I drive! Either way, your work is spreading to yet another generation!"

Here is why this kid is awesome:
A) He obviously has excellent taste in vehicles, judging from his early vocabulary skills.
B) He is already yelling at douchebags on the highway.
C) He reads my blog.

Brendan, your kid is welcome in my display any time. As long as he doesn't lick any door handles.