The auto show gods smile upon me

One of the happiest days of my 2010 occurred when I opened my auto show schedule for the 2011 season. Guess who's NOT going to Detroit, bitches? ME. I could only be more thrilled if I were being sent on a tantric yoga retreat with Mike Rowe.

I freaking HATE the Detroit Auto Show. As in, I would rather dig out my own eyeballs with a rusty spoon and eat them than do the Detroit Auto Show. I don't feel safe for a single second I'm in that city. It's depressing, it's crime-ridden, and frankly the show itself has turned into a joke.

Manufacturers are doing more reveals every year at LA, Chicago and New York because the foreign press hates coming to Detroit - they know they'll get jumped outside of Slow's by some thug with a gun. (True story, happened to some of the show tech guys last year.)

We're running out of hotels to stay at because they aren't safe. One girl fought off a rapist in what was supposed to be a secured hallway in the hotel at the Ren Cen a few years ago. Hotel management refused to up security for us. Last year another girl was drugged in the hotel lounge of our new, supposedly safer hotel and was rescued by her team mates.

I've traveled extensively, and I've been to some damned dangerous places across the world in my lifetime. In only one of those places have I felt my safety was compromised as much as I feel it is in Detroit - and the other was a third world country with one of the highest rates of violent crime in the world.

I hate that half of Cobo Hall literally smells like sh!t because they use manure on the plants in the eco-section. It's a ten day show. You don't have to fertilize the plants. A little water now and then will do just fine.

I hate having to deal with walking through multiple layers of usually smoking union members pissed off at the entirely wrong entity, making my clothes stink and littering the entire show - even the wrong displays - with their propaganda-filled literature. (Newsflash: It isn't the fault of Germany or Japan that  Detroit factories are closing down. I suggest Googling "NAFTA" and "corporate greed.")

I hate that it's in the middle of winter on a freaking river across from Canada, which everyone knows is where Eskimos and polar bears live, and that means it's stupid cold.

And I really hate feeling this way, because some of my most favorite people, including many of my coworkers, are from Michigan - but they hate doing this show, too. Really the only bright spot of the whole show is defying death to sneak down to Greektown. And the bomb-sniffing dogs. They're nice.

So I'll be working my sweet little self through a different show instead. Please show the proper respect to my less fortunate Booth Babes who have to be there. Tonight I'll be sending a little prayer of thanks to the auto show gods, i.e. the lady that creates my season schedule and basically controls my life for almost half the year.

Airport woes Pt 1

So obviously I travel, a lot. I travel so much that in the last four years I've earned enough miles for five free round-trip domestic airline tickets and countless first class upgrades. Most of that travel occurs December through April.

I am intimately familiar with many airports in this country. (Here's a free travel tip for you: There's a "secret" security gate at the Detroit airport that never has a line. It connects the W to the rest of the terminal. Use this information wisely.) I am also intimately familiar with the travel habits of the American public. It's not any better in the airport than at the auto show; the only difference is that people aren't asking me stupid questions.

My biggest annoyance at the airport isn't check-in or security lines (my frequent flier status usually allows me to bypass them), having to take my shoes off or flight delays (I've actually been really lucky in that department, knock on wood).

No, my friends, it is the people mover that is my nemesis.

Well not the people mover itself, but the people ON the people mover. People who apparently cannot read the six signs along the way that say "Stand to the right, walk on the left." That are written in at least two languages, often three.

I'm so glad you have all day to lollygag around and get in other people's way, but some of us have things to do. Things like, oh, I don't know, catch our flights maybe? Since we're here at the airport and all? There are a dozen people trying to get by you and you barely budge from the middle of the mover, throwing shade at those of us who actually read the sign and are following the rules of people mover traffic.

Then there are the people who are actually following the letter of the law by standing on the right, but their suitcase is totally blocking the left side. More shade throwing when you say "Excuse me."

You are not Supreme Leader of the Airport. You don't get to inconvenience everyone else because you're oblivious and lazy.  Move over or I'll run you over. I've done it before and I'll do it again. If you don't move over after I've asked you politely (multiple times even!) then you're probably going to get whacked by one of my bags as I move past you anyway. Not on purpose, but that's what you get for not following the rules of the people mover.

Yet another example of Special Little Snowflake Syndrome in action.

PS - Check out my column this week over at TheTruthAboutCars.com!

There are no stupid questions...

...just stupid people.

The amount of incredibly stupid things I heard people say at the auto show this year was truly mind-boggling. I don't think people actually got stupider this year; maybe I was just paying more attention because I was looking for blog material.

But really, we got some stupid, stupid questions. Not just me, but all of us at every manufacturer from every country and in every vehicle type. Stupid, stupid questions.

This year, Detroit took the prize for idiocy. In fact, the stupid question of the year award goes to a Detroit show visitor who, while driving a car in the ride and drive in the green car section in the BASEMENT of Cobo Hall, asked:

"Does this car run on solar power?"

Really, people. Come on, now. Do you know your own name? How to get back to your house? Tie your shoes? Not stab yourself in the eye when eating with a fork?

Let's think about this for a minute. Is there sun in the basement? Does the sun have magical rays that pierce through layers of concrete to power the vehicle you are currently driving and obviously must have some source of power? No?

Then no, this car is not solar powered. Jesus.

PS - Check out this week's column over at TheTruthAboutCars.com!

Cobo Fire update: Audi vs Union

Oh kids, I couldn't make this shizz up if I tried.

A little birdie told me the following...

When Audi's light set went up in flames causing the Great Detroit Fire of 2010, Audi staff on hand acted quickly to grab keys and move vehicles out of the way so A) fire personnel could easily extinguish the fire and B) the cars wouldn't be totally ruined.

Guess who got all up in arms about that?

The union.

Yup. Strict rules on who can do what in auto show land, in union cities at least. Never mind that it was a dire emergency situation.

Never mind that it took one booth literally 28 hours to get their brochures restocked according to union rules during busy show days when consumers were thirsty for info.

If Audi had waited around for a union guy to get there, the cars would have been completely destroyed and Richard Simmons would be wearing long pants sweatin' to the oldies with Satan.

Another display waited around for eight hours for a union electrician to show up, and all that needed to be done was have three wires unplugged from the wall. Yes, that is in fact a job a four-year-old can do.

I don't know what the repercussions were to Audi, if there were any fines levied, etc.  But frankly, this kind of thing does nothing but give European manufacturers more reason to stay away from NAIAS. (And the Chicago show, and NY...)

Chrysler's booth babe backlash

While walking around Cobo Hall on the first public day of the Detroit Auto Show last week, I did a double take when I saw the Fiat Chrysler/Dodge/Jeep team. Stunning? Yes. Gorgeous? Yes. Amazing dresses? Yes.

Making my life incredibly fcuking difficult? Yes.

I came across one beautiful blond wearing a silver, low-cut Herve Leger bandage dress like a second skin. Total knockout. Totally taking our job back to 1962.

Of course I do not begrudge these women for being beautiful; we're all models here after all and must meet at least a minimum level of attractiveness. I was truly surprised to see her dressed the way she was on a public day; outfits like that are usually reserved for press and preview - cocktail wear, if you will. What really bugged me was that after I chatted with her for a bit, it became obvious that she was not there to talk about the car and was merely there as a photo op. And then my head exploded.

I did see a bevy of Italian fashion models milling about in business suits, so I figured they were the product specialists and had the info. I was wrong. I asked around a bit here and there and here's what I was told about the Fiat sitch...

Last year's Dodge/Chrysler/Jeep team was canned. Even the stunningly gorgeous ones. All of the incredibly knowledgeable ones. Each and every talented and experienced presenter now out of a job.

Fiat, being a European company, wanted a European feeling to their displays so they replaced the team with pure eye candy. Problem is, this isn't Europe. Here in the good ol' USA women buy 60% of new cars and 80% of us are involved, singly or jointly, in making car buying decisions. And while we like talking with attractive people (human nature being what it is) we're not all that interested in taking photos with beautifully coiffed, designer-clad LA models.

So anyway, last year's awesome team was replaced with these new European-esque babes, and that would have been fine, I suppose, if they had been equally qualified and trained because hey, sometimes you just need to shake things up a little, right?

But that's not exactly what happened. My source says the even the business suited brunettes don't know their cars and their presentations were mediocre at best. Source said that it was obvious they had little public speaking experience.

(I also don't understand why they would let the talents of Nicole, the blond in this video, go to waste - she says she was a Porsche product specialist last year and those girls knew their shizz. This year Fiat has her posing - nothing more.)

So how exactly does this fcuk up my entire world, you ask? Goody, let me explain it to you. Women like Margery Krevsky have worked long and hard for many, many years to create an environment in which men (most of you, anyway) and women (pretty much all of you now) actually trust a good looking woman to tell you about your favorite cars. When you have a bunch of scantily-clad, uninformed and inexperienced models in the same position as the rest of us product specialists, it eats away at that trust.

Plus, y'all try to grab my ass and put a telephoto lens on my boobs a lot more when there are babes in mini dresses nearby.

Anyway, Chrysler must have heard the rumblings because by the last weekend of the show the silver mini dresses were gone and replaced with capri pants and sleeveless white blouses.

Before:

After:

This is, of course, merely a Band-Aid. Hopefully they will throw a product handbook at them in time for the next show. There's absolutely no reason why Fiat's crew can't retain their absolute gorgeousness, know their product inside out and give compelling presentations at the same time.

Burning up for your love

Photo courtesy Kristyn Burtt, another fabulous product specialist. Don't bother asking her who I am; she doesn't know. We're Twitter friends.

I know you guys think we're hot, but this is ridiculous.

A big ol' electrical fire in the Audi display shut down the Detroit Auto Show for several hours today. During our breaks we like to have sex, smoke cigarettes and blow lines in the back seats of expensive cars, and today it just got a little out of hand.

Just kidding! The truth is much less scintillating. Audi imports their lighting from Germany, so they of course need electrical adapters. One of those adapters had an issue and caused the fire. Negligence or just a fluke worn out adapter is not something I am qualified to comment on.

As usual when something of this happens, the entire thing was a huge clusterfcuk and I learned more, faster from Twitter than anywhere else. In fact, I was giving my supervisor official Twitter updates from NAIASDetroit because no one from the show office was passing the info along in person.

I did some sniffing around and from everything I'm hearing and personally experienced, the way this situation was handled was appalling. Despite the fact that there were visible flames in the ceiling above Audi and thick black smoke throughout the hall, not a single fire alarm went off, nor were any emergency lights activated.

What's the opposite of urgent? Lackadaisical? Because that's the kind of announcement that was made to evacuate the hall, and it was not backed up by anyone from their crack security team ushering people out. In fact, people were still milling around inside the hall poking around in vehicles a good half hour after the initial announcement. Instead of being led to nearest exits, people were told to go back to the lobby, which meant everyone marched straight towards the fire and smoke.

And get this: even after the announcement was made to evacuate they kept selling tickets! One man bought his ticket and walked over to the entrance less than 20 feet away, where he was told he could not enter because of the fire. The ticket office refused to refund his money, despite the fact that they knew no one would be allowed in and they didn't tell anyone purchasing. This man took it upon himself to go down the line and tell people themselves.

When we product specialists came back to the hall, some of us were allowed inside and some of us weren't - again, no rhyme or reason to that. Upon entering the hall it was obvious that this show should have closed for the night. The stench of acrid smoke permeated the building, despite the fact that they had all the doors along the back of the building wide open (on a freezing day).

I overheard several police officers saying they couldn't believed the show reopened. Displays close to Audi were covered in ash. The detailers did their best, but some places just couldn't be reached. The vehicles at Audi seemed to be fine, but the set had absolutely no lighting and it looked pretty dangerous over there. They let people in anyway. They could have at least turned the headlights on!

A source told me that while the show office claims the fire marshall measured the air quality, this did not actually happen. I believe him. My nose and eyes are stinging, my hair and clothes reek, and people I spoke with who work nearby the Audi display complained of respiratory discomfort.

It seems pretty obvious to me even from the ticket office incident alone that NAIAS officials decided they couldn't afford to close for the day, and that took precedence over public health. Their plan backfired. Although it was pretty busy for an hour or so after reopening because of the people who waited around from earlier, the place cleared out by 7:30. Probably because no one wanted to get black lung disease.

FOX reporter shut down by Chrysler girl

EDITED 1/20/10: It appears that Barrett has pulled the video, not anticipating it would bring such attention. You can read his own blog post about it here. Lauren, the model in question, has chimed in to the conversation in his comment section.

FOX Toledo reporter Barrett Andrews thought he could be sly by slipping a come-on into his chat with a lovely auto show model who kindly humored him by granting an interview request.

We don't have to do that, by the way. We are under no obligation to give recorded interviews if we are uncomfortable doing so. Lauren very kindly played along with his seemingly innocent line of questioning, even mentioning the tired "Do you come with the car?" line. It was a cute interview, a run-of-the-mill human interest piece that would have been quickly forgotten in the news of the day if Barrett hadn't set himself up for a fall.

I LOVE how she doesn't even dignify him with a response. She does what all good auto show models do: simply rolls her eyes, turns on her heel and walks away. We have no time for this nonsense.

Joking or no, for him to do that on-camera, while both of them are working by the way, is even tackier and for that his rejection is even more richly deserved.

Edited to add: And also? Autoblog just picked this up and gave me a great shout-out. Thanks so much, guys!

Stupid auto show quotes

First public day of the NAIAS - the biggie, the Detroit Auto Show. Today's winner of the stupidest question award goes to the gentleman who asked:

"Is this price in American dollars?"

I don't know why exactly he could have possibly thought it was in any other form of currency. I really spent a few minutes afterwards racking my brain, trying to figure out why he could have possibly thought our prices would have been in anything BUT America dollars.

I came up with a few possibilities:
A) He had a Russian accent, and it is cold in Detroit, so maybe he forgot where he was and became confused about the whole rubles/dollars thing.

B) Cobo Hall is right across the river from Canada, so maybe he thought due to proximity we might quote prices in Canadian dollars.

C) He's a dumbass.

I'm going with C.

Stay tuned for more stupid auto show quotes as the week progresses!

The Unnecessary Truck

I have a lot of pet peeves in this world, both on and off the auto show floor. One of my biggest is the Unnecessary Truck.

The Unnecessary Truck is simply one bought for no other purpose than to make its owner feel tough and manly (that goes for female owners, too). The Unnecessary Truck has no practical purpose, like hauling lumber, towing a boat, or bringing dirt bikes back and forth to the track.

Instead, the Unnecessary Truck spends it days hauling nothing more than a huge ego around town, burning a ridiculous amount of fuel for a single passenger and being parked like its owner is blind.

Seriously, yesterday in the parking lot of my gym there was the most ridiculous Unnecessary Truck situation I've ever seen. One truck was pulled forward about a third of the way into the space in front of it, I assume so the bed wouldn't be sticking out into the lane. The second truck parked nose-to-nose with the first, resulting in its bed blocking the entire other lane due to the length of the bed and the fact that the first truck was taking up a third of the spot.

Do you really need a 19-foot pickup truck to carry your fat ass and a gym bag? I don't think so.

In fact, I am quite sure that a good 80% of non-professionals (anyone other than contractors, plumbers, masochists who like to help friends move every weekend, etc) who drive a pickup could actually do just fine in a Mini Cooper. Yeah, I said it. Your Unnecessary Truck should be traded in for a Mini Cooper.

Maybe then you'd learn how to park.

Grandpas

You'd think that grandpas are the least of our worries over here in auto show land, right? That we'd be relieved when we see a sweet, doddering older gentleman heading our way, ostensibly to discuss the finer points of our latest giant sedan that he'll probably wind up mowing down a crowd with because he's too old to drive anymore.

You'd be wrong.

Here's the problem with Grandpas: They talk. And they don't. Stop. Talking.

I don't mind a long conversation about a car with a consumer who is genuinely interested in it. I don't mind a short conversation about cars in general. But please do not hijack me with a long, drawn-out conversation about nothing relevant. I know you're lonely. That sucks. Maybe you're lonely because you talk too damn much. Whatever the reason, move on. I HAVE A JOB TO DO.

In addition to the endless talking, grandpas say some wildly inappropriate stuff that they think they can get away with because they're old.

Here are some things your grandpa has said to me at the auto show:
"When are you serving dinner?"
"Want to hear a joke?" Usually followed by "A black guy/Mexican/Jew/Jap walks into a bar..." or some variation of the same.
"Let me tell you about my very first car... It's where my son was conceived."
"You've got a nice tushie."
"I wish my wife had legs like yours."
"I don't want to talk to that 'Oriental' guy, I want to talk to an American."

And yes, "Do you come with the car?"

Well listen up, grandpas. I've got your number. Just because you're old and survived the Korean War or World War II or whatever doesn't mean you have a license to make me ill.

Look, here's what it comes down to. No matter what your age, be respectful. Talk to us not the way you'd talk to your sister, but the way you'd expect someone else to talk to your sister (because you might be a total jerk to her yourself but you'd punch someone else for talking to her like that).

Please be mindful of our time. We are marketing representatives hired to educate people about our cars and hopefully push them in the direction of buying one, while helping to cement a brand image in your minds. If I'm talking to you about how hot you like your tapioca and what your favorite episode of Murder She Wrote is, I am not talking to someone who has a genuine interest in a vehicle (as opposed to my ass).

And lay off the racial jokes.

I'm smarter than you look.

I know more than you.

I know you don't want to believe it. I know it makes your already shy testicles shrink even further into your abdominal cavity. It's time to face facts though, boys: I know more than you do about cars.

Well, maybe not ALL of you, I'll give you that. But I'd say a good 19 out of 20 of you who try to show off by asking ridiculous questions then arguing with me about the answers are doing nothing more than trying to compensate for other shortcomings.

Let's break this down. You drive a minivan or an Unnecessary Truck. (I'll get to the Unnecessary Trucks later. I have much to say on that subject.) You occasionally read Motor Trend, but the last time you did anything even remotely close to being considered engine work was in high school shop class. You use the terms "all-wheel drive" and "four-wheel drive" interchangeably.

I, on the other hand, while not purporting to be the end-all be-all of automotive knowledge, am trained directly by the very engineers who design the vehicles I'm paid to discuss. I have piles upon piles of confidential technical industry information that I study for months before ever stepping on the auto show floor, including competitor info. It is my job to know this stuff, and I take that very seriously.

In short, I know more than you.

Please don't try to show off your "knowledge" when you see me on the auto show floor. Please don't try to look like a big man in front of your buddies or girlfriend. If you do, one of two things will happen: I will totally emasculate you by shutting down your stupidity in front of hundreds of people, or I will simply smile and turn on my heels while you're in the middle of your diatribe and ignore you for the rest of your visit, advising my coworkers to do the same.

We are paid to educate, not be belittled.

PS - Congrats to Ford for their double win today: 2010 NAIAS Car of the Year and Truck of the Year for the Fusion Hybrid and Transit Connect.

I'm not the president of GM

Photo courtesy Autoblog.com

It's no secret that the economy is in the toilet, and even now two years in only a few of us are starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. One of the hardest hit areas of the country is Michigan, in no small part due to the fall of the American auto industry.

You can imagine how this translates at the auto show.

People in the US, and around the world I would imagine, are angry. They are angry that their homes are worth tens or even hundreds of thousands of dollars less than what they paid for them. They are angry that they don't have jobs. They are angry that their tax dollars went to a bailout for companies that were severely mismanaged. They are angry that foreign auto companies are still somewhat successful, or at least hemorrhaging money at a slower rate than the domestics.

As a product specialist in the middle of this, you get one of two types of crazies depending who you represent. If you're with a foreign company you get the misplaced anger of people thinking you are the cause of America's ills, not realizing how much money such companies actually pump into the American economy. If you're with a domestic company, you're called a "Bailout Babe" and yelled at by angry union members.

I have news for you. I am not the president of GM.

I don't run Toyota.

And in fact, I'm not actually employed by any of the manufacturers you're bitching about and have no pull at all. What does this mean to you? Your yelling, whining and rudeness is all for naught.

I am a performer contracted to an automotive company through a talent agency. I am highly trained and extremely knowledgeable on my chosen subject of automobiles, but I am a contractor nonetheless. That means I had nothing to do with accepting bailouts, where your car was manufactured, why your husband lost his job or any other reason you have an ugly attitude today.

I am happy to write down constructive criticism to pass along to corporate, and in fact part of my job is recording customer comments. I will not, however, listen to vitriol and ignorance. That is not part of my job. And if that is how you approach me, you'll see my back turned to you very quickly. Nowhere in my contract does it say I have to talk to jerks.


PS - Autoblog wrote about the Bailout Babe thing after the New York Auto Show last April - check out their take on it here.