Monday, April 26, 2010

Doody!


I get a lot of flack here on this blog of mine for being too hard on people. Some commenters think I'm snobby, that I'm being judgmental when I suggest people shower and brush their teeth before coming to the auto show. These people are really going to hate me now, because I am about to suggest something totally outlandish: that you crap in the bathroom. And not just in the bathroom, but in a toilet in the bathroom. And then flush. Don't forget to wash your hands.

But whatever you do, for the love of god, DO NOT TAKE A SH!T ON THE SHOW FLOOR.

The bathroom is right there! See the big giant sign? The one that says "Restrooms"? That is where one goes to relieve oneself of the bodily waste created when you shovel three chili cheese dogs into the gut overflowing your stylish Lee jeans.

You do not go in the middle of the display floor.

Unfortunately, not everyone knows this handy rule of thumb.

One morning, I am told, the early shift of booth babes arrived at their post. While walking the floor to prep for the day's crowds, they discovered a large chunk of what was most decidedly not a Baby Ruth, just laying there on the floor.

Where did it come from? How did it get there? Was it some sort of political message or could this person just not walk another 20 feet to the bathroom? The world will never know.

This was discovered minutes before the show opened and the crowds rushed in. The booth babes sure as heck weren't going to touch it, but they did form a sort of human chain around it to block attendees from getting too close while making sure none of them knew what they were being blocked from. Figuring no one would believe them if they tried to call it in, someone was sent to grab the cleaning crew in person.

This is not the only auto show poop story out there. Oh no, my friends, there are more people - many more people - who believe in freedom from such restrictive man-made ideological theories as pooping in bathrooms, that mankind and mankind's poop deserves to be free. That's great. Poop all over your yard like a dog if that's what you want to do. Just keep it out of my display, you disgusting cretin.

PS - Don't forget to check out this week's column over at TheTruthAboutCars.com: The Psychology of Auto Show Marketing.

13 comments:

  1. I wonder if this is some sort of passive aggressive behavior... It's gross in any case. Have a good one.

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  2. Baron Von DangerouslyApril 26, 2010 at 12:58 PM

    People can be very very strange, there was this segment on NPR's 'This American Life' (Act Three. Adventures At Poo Corner - http://tinyurl.com/2wag8fd) where they talk about people defecating in retail stores. Apparently it is a common thing, completely effing nasty. Even parents letting their kids go to the bathroom behind display stands at the bookstore. I mean really? I have a two 1/2 year-old and I know it is not that hard just to take them to the bathroom.

    nasty nasty nasty people...bleh!

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  3. Retail businesses, all forms of them, are probably the best (worst) places to find horrific examples of such grody behavior.

    I once walked into the men's restroom of a Barnes & Noble in a high-falutin', "upper-class" neighborhood to a horrendous stench. As the door's gas strut slammed it far too rapidly closed behind me, I peered cautiously around to find that some miserable prick had smeared their own fecal matter over the walls, mirrors, taps and etc. The kicker? Their underwear had been wadded into shitty ball and mounted proudly, as if it were a prized trophy, on the door's interior handle. Meaning of course that, in order to get out, one had to either steel their resolve and grasp that "trophy" or wait for the next poor fool to fall into the trap and rush out with a screamed warning. I called my girlfriend (also in the store), asked her to push the door open--preferably with a foot--and then propped the door open with a trashbin while she grabbed an employee.

    The employee walked into the bathroom, sighed heavily and told us this was not the first time. My girlfriend said, "Only a man could do something this disgusting!" To which the employee replied, "You oughtta see what some women will do with a used tampon."

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  4. One year,at the Chicago Autoshow, there was a terrible stench emanating from the Toyota display. Since Chicago is a union town, it was up to the local hires to track down the smell, since the regular detailers were forced by the union to stand around and do nothing and get paid for it. Of course, the cars looked horrible because the union people didn't know how to clean up the cars as effectively as the regular detailers and were usually found drinking behind McCormick North or something like that. Turns out after hours of careful searching some disgusting pig had thrown up in the glove compartment of a Toyota Celica. Of course it was precisely at that moment that the union allowed the regular detailers to continue their duties at the Chicago autoshow!

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  5. Let's apply our power of deductive reasoning here. You guys found this in the morning before opening the show. Assuming that the crew did a walk around the night before and maybe vaccumed the floors, then this thing popped up after the show closed but before the show opened to the general public the next morning. Therefore, this could not have been placed there by someone in the public.

    I think we can conclude that either one of the crew members did it or (gasp) one of the booth babes. I mean you guys found it. And what's that about forming a booth babe chain around it? it sounds like you guys took a group crap. Couldn't you have moved a couple of the cars in a circle around it and blocked it off? This sounds very highly suspicious.

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  6. Poop in Philly. Right by my turntable. Happy Morning to Me...NOT! We discreetly pulled some plants around it (thank you peace lilies!) and then called the cleaning crew.

    Still don't know who or why someone crapped in my display, but some things are better left unanswered, y'know?

    Only on thing is worse than happening upon miscellaneous poop: watching a tacky, white trash ho climb up on a spinning table and proceeding to change her baby's haz mat filled diaper in the middle seat of a minivan - with both sliding doors open. The kicker? The stupid cow got pissed at me when I told her to get out of the vehicle and then the baby daddy (I'm only assuming) got 9 kinds of irate and hurled the shit bomb in the middle of our floor. Uh...really? Thanks Cleveland! Your hospitality is amazing.

    I've edited myself, I had to delete a whole 'nother paragraph about that event. Hell, I'm STILL pissed about it. Sorry for the hijack.

    Carry on....

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  7. At the NY show this year, our display was treated with someone's vomit. Probably a kid because it was small and had very little splatter, so it couldn't have come from someone very tall. It as slimy pieces of hot dog, un-chewed. Naturally, no one notified the "booth babes" until one of us happened to walk by on our break and notice. Unfortunately, the show attendees were walking right through it without noticing.

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  8. As for your opening statement, honest thoughts and opinions are what make your blog great to read. I'd bet for every "how can you say that" comment, there are 10x as many people thinking "you tell 'em."

    Not commenting on the poop, to gross to rationalize, or even consider at the moment. Sorry.

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  9. @PC,

    You can't rationalize this type of behavior. It just happens! Get it? See what I did there? Clever, no? :)

    Anyway... with such matters it's best to just accept and move on. I used to be really curious on what makes a human do such things--as well as many other full-on atrocities--and even studied towards a psych degree, but it damn-near turned me into a misanthrope, so I decided to not make a career of it. As this old Irish friend of mine would say, "'tis part o' living."

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  10. Years ago I worked in outdoor gear retail. One Christmas season, we had a "mystery hurler" who would vomit in the random parka hood, sleeping bag, backpack, etc. We lost thousands of dollars in merchandise, but never caught the person responsible.

    Imagine how much it sucked to be the customer who discovered the gift in the parka hood, while trying it on.

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  11. How do any of us know it wasn't an animal that got into the building? Also, is it that difficult to find some TP and transfer the offending turd to a more desirable location, such as on the hood of a Chevy Cobalt?

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  12. Fucking disgusting. People have some odd ideas about what is funny, what is normal, ect. A friend who is a lifeguard at a local pool had to clear out the facility due to a couple of punks defecating around in one of the pools. Simply disgusting. The shit you have to put up with, Booth Babe if I may call you that, is amazing. And yet, you still do your job wonderfully.

    P.S. there are a couple websites out there that could use your admonishings for downplaying the role of an auto show model i.e. girls of autoshows and the like.

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  13. Love your blog! Discovered it recently on Jalopnik and can't stop reading.

    Too gross to rationalize -- agreed. I am a firm believer that sane people don't live on the street or soil the floor of a convention center. If seen doing one of the above, rest assured, something is wrong.

    As for "am I being judgmental", consider your Learn to Drive post. What I read into it was the old "people that drive slower than me are slow-asses and people that drive faster than me are idiots" cliche. Not a criticism per se, just food for thought.

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