Gilbert Gottfried's eviler twin

"So, do you girls like jokes?" asked that day's grandpa du jour, wobbling ever-so-slightly from the heady mixture of his Coumadin and Bud Light.

I eyed him warily. In such situations I can't exactly brusquely say no and walk away, so with a heavy inward sigh and a forced smile I chipperly replied, "Sure!"

That was my biggest mistake of the day.

Now gentlemen (and I use that term loosely), you and I both know that opening with a joke is always a risky proposition, no matter what your outdated Toastmasters handbooks might say. Comedy is a tricky business, and canned jokes even more so - they usually aren't funny, and the ones that are most likely to be funny walk a very fine line of being radically offensive, especially if you don't know your audience.

"President Clinton looks up from his desk in the Oval Office to see one of his aides nervously approach him. 'What is it?' exclaims the President.

'It's the Abortion Bill, Mr. President - what do you want to do about it?'

'Just go ahead and pay it.'"

JESUS CHRIST GRANDPA.

Despite how it might appear here, 99.999% of the time I am overly, immensely nice to a$$holes while I'm at work. Kill 'em with kindness, as they say. But come on now.

My chipper smile immediately disappeared and was replaced with my bitchface. "Really? You're opening with an abortion joke? You think that's an appropriate thing to say to a woman you don't even know?"

I spun on my heel and stalked away.

It's a risky proposition to tell political jokes to people you don't know - and this yahoo is upping the ante by tossing around abortion jokes? To someone who could have been his granddaughter? I should have suggested we call his granddaughter so he could tell it to her.

New rule: No jokes from grandpas will be accepted. The next time you ask me if I like jokes I'll just say no and start rattling off torque measurements of every car in the display.

Parenting at its finest

Yes, really.
By the way, America isn't part of Asia. If I catch any of you b!tches doing this at one of my shows I'm getting your a$$ kicked out.

(Thanks for the tip, Ray!)

People are gross and disgusting

When I worked in corporate hell, one of my biggest gross-outs was when disgusting coworkers would clip their nails at their desks. What the hell is that about? Do you not have a freaking bathroom at home? When I quit and joined the circus I thought I'd be rid of such grodiness for good.

I was wrong.

Another booth babe relayed the following incident:

She was standing at her post behind her information desk when she heard the tell-tale clip-clip-clip sound. She rounded the corner to look where the display's seating area was and found a man. With his shoes and socks off. Clipping his toenails in the middle of the auto show.

Are you f-ing kidding me right now????

People are so god damned disgusting. If I had found him I would have had security throw his ass out of there for being a public health hazard.

Here's a checklist of things you should accomplish before you leave the house to visit me at the auto show:

1. Shower. Take extra care to scrub your armpits and butt crack.

2. Put on three times as much deodorant as you think you need. Skip the half bottle of cheap Wal-Mart perfume you regularly douse yourself with.

3. Brush and floss your teeth, for chrissake. Invest in some Crest Whitestrips while you're at it. They're only $30, easily affordable if you quit your vile cigarette/chewing tobacco habit that's making your mouth look like a bowl of Niblets.

4. Cut your freaking fingernails and toenails in your own bathroom.

5. Put on clean clothes that do not smell like pee.

6. Make sure you dress like a normal human being, otherwise I will take your picture and post it here so the world can see you obviously don't have a mirror at home and maybe start a collection to buy one for you. I consider this a public service.

I know six things might seem like a lot, but I promise you your auto show experience, sex life and job prospects will all improve. Stop being a smelly gross loser.