Thursday, July 29, 2010

Are you trying to kill your kids?

It's no secret that I want to kill your kids, and by the sheer neglect I see at the auto show it looks like you feel much the same.

However, do me a favor and don't actually try to kill your child with your own stupidity at the auto show.

I scanned the above pic from an official show program. Yes, that is a child in a car trunk. Why yes, someone actually encouraged that kid to get into the trunk of that car. Seriously, because being shoved in trunks of cars is a fun game? Especially when strangers are involved. It's okay - Mommy (who admits you were an accident and has spent every day since your birth drunk) is right here, you won't get hurt.

Jesus f-ing Christ, people. These are kids. Kids aren't exactly known for being the brightest bulbs in the tanning bed.

This is what your kid is thinking:
Oh cool, I get to climb into the trunk of this car!

This is what your kid is thinking a month later when he sees an abandoned car in a lot he's playing in by your house unsupervised because Mommy is drunk again:
Oh cool, I should climb in the trunk of this car! If it was okay a month ago, it must be okay now!

Because kids are dumbasses.

Now, I know you think your kid is already MENSA material, but let me assure you, he is not. I know he is not because I see your little ankle-biters climbing into the trunks of cars at least three times per show with no adult supervision. So your whole "He knows it's only okay if I'm there" argument is bullsh!t.

Plus you and I both know that if something happened to your kid in that trunk you'd try to blame me even though Darwin's law was fully in effect. All of a sudden you think you're going to get your kid's college education paid for by some car company despite the fact that your kid is obviously too f-ing stupid to stay the hell out of a car trunk and therefor obviously not exactly Harvard-bound.

I will sic security on you, I swear to God - and a woman at that, because they're much meaner than the dudes.


  1. Funny. I especially like the nonchalant way of saying "I want to murder your kids."

  2. Frankly if they are that stupid you should just let them kill their kids, natural selection and all that. Sadly I don't think it is that easy as many car trunks would have a release from the inside for situations just like this.

  3. Love the blog :) Great to see someone so direct, open and honest. Don't know where 'bitter' comes in on some of the Jalopnik comments, obviously you rejected the presents they brought back for you or they took the hump when they were ejected for letting their kids poop on the carpet!

    I love my cars and I'm female but do get fed up sifting through sites that pay more attention to the 'booth babes' than the cars. I'm in it for the cars, no offence but scantily clad women don't do it for me. I always wondered what they thought - now I know :)

    I feel so much better now!

  4. Frankly if they are any stupid people then just let them kill their kids.


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